


Remembered

by onceandfuturekiki



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:37:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7538374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onceandfuturekiki/pseuds/onceandfuturekiki
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keyleth’s thoughts turn to darker things the night after seeing Simon and his mother again. Take's place during the party's time in the refugee camp outside of Westruun. A rough version of this was posted to Tumblr months ago, but this is a more polished version.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remembered

The night sky was so clear out in the plains, so much so that Keyleth almost found it unnerving, how bright the moon was, how distinct the stars and their constellations were. It had been awhile since she had seen it all so unobscured, having spent most of her time of late in cities and forests. It was so bright that she didn’t even need the firelight to see the camp around her, so when she found herself leaving the tent in the middle of the night, unable to sleep, she had wandered away from the center of camp, away from the few fires that were still going, toward the edges of the space the refugees had claimed. Looking for somewhere quiet and hidden, she found herself longing for the trees close to their home in Emon, or even the trees outside of Whitestone.

After walking around the edges of the camp for a bit, she finally found a place where the ground dipped slightly. It didn’t provide much cover, but it was enough that she could feel like she was alone.

Keyleth thought back to earlier in the day, seeing Simon again, seeing that little boy they had saved, and his mother whose son had been given back to her. At the time the sight had filled her with joy. Knowing that they had rescued this child and that he was growing up, that he was alive and happy with his mother, even with everything that had happened, that was still happening, had made her heart feel light. She stood there with Vax, playing with this boy who might have been dead were it not for them, watching him smile and laugh, and she found herself feeling  _satisfied_ , proud even, knowing that the things she and her friends did made a difference, that they had made someone’s life better.

But as the evening drew on, she couldn’t keep her mind from going to the other things that had happened on the day they’d rescued Simon, and the other child that they couldn’t save. The child that died because of her. There was a child who didn’t get to go home to his parents, who didn’t get to grow up, who would never have a future. And it was her fault.

The breeze picked up around her and she shivered. Despite how warm the day had been, as soon as the sun went down the temperature had started to drop, and the wind hitting her skin chilled her to the bone. It had only been a little chilly when she’d walked away from the tent, but the breeze had grown colder and colder the longer she’d sat alone. It was the feeling of warm liquid on her cold cheeks that alerted her to the fact that she was crying, and she wrapped her arms around herself, seeking warmth and comfort.

When she heard footsteps approaching, Keyleth frantically wiped at her cheeks, trying to get rid of the evidence of her tears. She was in mid-swipe when a cloak was gently dropped across her shoulders, engulfing her in warmth, and in a familiar, comforting scent that she knew well. The way the presence seeped into her bones and soothed her was something she couldn’t help, and despite the fact that she had wandered off alone not wanting comfort to assuage her guilt, she found herself savoring the silent consolation of the cloak around her shoulders and Vax himself, as he carefully sat himself down next to her.

He watched her for a long moment without speaking, before gesturing at the cloak around her shoulders, finally saying, “Don’t worry, I made sure it hasn’t touched the old, smelly armor.”

“I could tell by the smell,” she replied, granting him a smile.

The smile she received in return was grateful, as though he had been expecting her to be angry with him. Even now he was looking at the ground, his brow furrowed in consternation, and Keyleth found herself feeling guilty for a whole new reason. What she had said to him in Whitestone had obviously left him thinking that she didn’t want him around her at all. She hated herself for the way she was hurting him, for the way she was hurting herself.

She just didn’t know what to do.

“I can go if you want to be alone,” Vax finally said. “It was just… I woke up and you weren’t there, so I was worried. But now I know you’re okay, so if you want me to leave…”

_Don’t leave_ , Keyleth wanted to say.  _Stay with me. Stay with me tonight. Stay with me forever. Don’t leave me. Don’t ever leave me_.

“No. It’s fine,” she said instead. “I don’t mind.”

He smiled at her again, seeming genuinely happy, but he didn’t say anything else, and he turned his face away from her, looking down, as though he was trying to hide his eyes. They sat in silence together, the wind the only sound that passed between them.

She hated that they were back to this place, this awkward spot in their relationship where they didn’t know what to say to each other. They had been so good before that conversation in Whitestone. After the night he had spent in her room back in Emon before they abandoned the Keep they had figured out how to communicate, how to talk to each other and be honest, how to need each other without it being awkward. For those few days, those far too short days, she’d finally felt like she could tell him anything, and that she could do that without stumbling over her words. And he’d reached a place where he was being so honest with her, telling her things she knew he hadn’t told anyone else.

So of course she had to go and fuck that all up, too, just like she ruined everything. And now they were back in this place, where no matter how much she wanted to be close to him, they couldn’t seem to string more than a few words together to say to one another, and they couldn’t be near each other without that awkwardness seeping back in.

They sat together in silence for a long while, Keyleth pulling the cloak tighter around her as the air grew colder. She could feel Vax’s eyes on her, questioning and longing. Her heart beat hard in anticipation, wondering and hoping if he would actually say something to her, and what it would be if he did. Ever since that night in her room, when she’d told him she was scared, when he’d walked away from her, she’d been hoping every time they were near each other that he would say something that would make it all better, that he’d have some kind of solution, or some words that would fix the problem, make all of her fear go away.

“Are you okay?” Vax asked after a long stretch of silence. His voice was careful and tentative, and hearing the how unsure he was in asking her such a simple question caused a sharp pain in her chest.

Her first instinct was to tell him that she was fine. But she couldn’t help how much he she wanted him to comfort her. “Do you ever think that maybe you’re not as good a person as you thought you were?”

A self-deprecating laugh escaped his mouth. “All the time.” He was quiet then, studying her, a serious quiet settling over him. “You’re not thinking that about yourself, are you?”

She answered him with silence, looking down at the ground and trying to make herself smaller underneath his cloak.

“Kiki… that’s ridiculous. You’re… you’re the best person I know.”

The scoff that left her was bitter, filled with anger at herself, at Vax, at the entire situation. “How can you say that? How can you say that after what I’ve done to you?”

Vax shifted next to her, his posture turning rigid and uncomfortable. “You not wanting to be with me doesn’t make you a bad person,” he said, his voice quiet and strangely even.

“That’s the thing though,” Keyleth argued back, trying to push down the tears that were threatening to spill over. “I do want to be with you. But I’m too afraid of getting hurt to let that happen. I’m a coward, and I’m being completely selfish.”

He began edging closer to her, his movements slow and careful. “Keyleth,” he started, reaching out a hand to her before letting it drop back to his side. “That’s not-“

“And I do stupid things without thinking,” she continued, unable to stop now that she’d started. “I do. I get mad at you all the time for it, but I do it too!  There have been just as many times that I’ve done something without thinking about what could happen, what consequences there might be. I act like I’m so much better than all of you but I’m not.”

A grim look was settling over Vax’s face. She could see it out of the corner of her eye, and she knew he was putting the pieces together in his head. The group never really gave him the credit he deserved for his ability to figure things out. “We  _all_  act without thinking sometimes. I know I do it more than most, but it’s something that we all do. I think everyone does it.”

“Yeah, but when you do it they only person that usually ends up getting hurt is yourself. When everyone else does it… it doesn’t end in someone dying.”

A long, heavy, knowing sigh left Vax. “First of all, that’s not true. When I burst into Anders’ study like I did… Cassandra would have died if you hadn’t saved her. And that’s not the only time someone has gotten hurt because I’m too stupid to think before I jump into action.” A strong, warm arm closed around her shoulders as he pulled her into his side. “And what you’re talking about, what happened with that child… that was an accident.”

“You weren’t treating it like an accident the last time the topic came up,” she found herself spitting out bitterly, not realizing how angry she still was at him for bringing the whole thing up during that argument they’d all had about what had happened the night after the dinner with the Briarwoods. Remembering how he had brought that up, comparing it to what Tiberius had done to that old woman… it had felt like she was being ripped open, that her heart was being crushed under a terrible weight.

Next to her, Vax froze for a long moment, the arm around her shoulder becoming stiff as he took in a sharp breath. He recovered quickly, though, sliding his arm from her shoulder to grasp her hands, tugging on them to pull her around so he could see into her eyes. “I was wrong to do that,” he said. “I don’t even know why I did it. I’m not the best mediator when it comes to arguments.” He let out a low chuckle, trying to smile at her. “And I think maybe I was overcompensating a little.”

“Overcompensating for what?” she asked.

His smile turned bashful as he looked into her eyes. “It was the night before, at the palace… that was when I realized how I feel about you.”

In all the time since he had told her that he loved her, he’d never before told her when he realized it, what made him come to that conclusion. And she’d never really thought about it. Hearing him pinpoint the moment left her feeling slightly surreal in a way, and the only response she could come up with was a dazed, “Oh”.

“So… I don’t know. I was maybe trying to deflect. I really don’t know. I was wrong, though.”

Keyleth shook her head. “No. No, you weren’t. I was being such a hypocrite, jumping all over Tiberius for what he did, when I had that blood on my hands. Tiberius killed someone who had tried to kill us. I killed an innocent child because I was stupid.”

“You were trying to save him.”

“What does that matter? He’s still dead! His parents still lost their child. He’s never going to grow up and have a future. And that’s because of me.” Keyleth was crying in earnest now, trying to tug her hands out of Vax’s grip. He wouldn’t let her go, though, pulling her closer to him until he could wrap his arms around her, holding her to his chest.

“It’s not because of you,” he whispered forcefully. “You tried to save him. You fought so hard to save him. The only one at fault is that monster who took him in the first place.”

She shook her head against his chest, wanting to argue with him, her sobs too heavy to get any words out.

“Listen,” he said, pulling back to look into her eyes. “We all fight so hard to save people. Sometimes we succeed. Sometimes we don’t. And it’s hard when that happens. But failure doesn’t make us bad people. All of us have fucked up. A lot of us have made mistakes that led to people getting hurt. That doesn’t define who are. I know I have a hard time remembering that sometimes, too. But we have to.  _You_  have to.

“It’s just…” Keyleth started, her voice weak. “He was a  _child_ , Vax.” Fresh tears fell from her eyes, and she turned her face into his chest, breathing him in as she tried to calm herself.

“I know,” Vax said. He was quiet for a long while, holding her to him, stroking her hair comfortingly. “I wish I could do something to fix this for you. I wish I could make it better. But I don’t know how,” he finally said, his voice a ragged whisper, the pain he felt at not being able to fix things for her palpable.

“It can’t be fixed,” she responded, her voice just as quiet.

“You saved other kids that day. You helped save Simon. And you’ve saved so many people since then. Don’t let this one terrible thing define you.”

“Is that something you would be able to do? If you were in my position?”

The silence stretched on for a long time, so long that she started to think he wasn’t going to respond. His hand was steady where it rested on the back of her head, stroking her hair, and his heartbeat was strong and consistent under her ear.

“No,” he finally said. “Probably not.”

For some reason, those were the words that comforted her the most. Knowing that his words weren’t empty platitudes, that he understood what she was feeling, why she was feeling it, and that it wasn’t just something she could think away, made her feel better than any words about her good deeds and qualities. She turned further into him, pulling her legs up to her chest so she could press herself close to him.

“I am a coward, though,” Keyleth said, her voice soft and tired. “I don’t want to be scared. I’m trying really hard not to be, but…”

“It’s okay,” Vax said after a beat of silence. His voice was quiet but light, but she could hear the heartache he was trying to disguise. “You have good reason to be scared.”

“I’m trying, Vax,” she said, pressing her forehead to his chin. “I really am. I’ve really been thinking about what my father said, and trying to take those words to heart. I just-“

“It’s okay,” he assured her as he ran his hand down her arm soothingly. “Really. We don’t have to do this tonight.”

For the first time since he wrapped both of his arms around her, Keyleth looked up at him, meeting his eyes. The expression on his face was genuine. One of his hands came up, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “Really. We don’t have to do this tonight.”

“Thank you,” she said, feeling tears well up once again, this time grateful tears. If someone had to fall in love with her, she counted herself lucky that it was Vax.

She moved her head back to his shoulder, resting comfortably in the warmth of his cloak, surrounded by the strength of his embrace.

The night stretched on, and they stayed there, holding each other, until Keyleth lost track time. The temperature continued dropping, and she felt it in her hands, her fingertips going numb and her palms starting to prickle. She pulled her hands into the cloak that was still wrapped around her, one hand brushing against one of the pockets that had been sewn to the inside lining. Searching for more warmth, she tucked her hand inside, starting slightly when it brushed against something that was dry and sort of… crumply. Her fingers closed around it, and some of it crumbled away, so she pulled at it more gingerly, bringing it out of the pocket and up to her eyes.

“What’s this?” she murmured, unsure if he was even awake to answer her.

“Hmm?” The quiet hum came above her as Vax shifted, his head moving to look down at what she held in her hand.

“Is this…” she started as she began to recognize the wilted, faded flower. “Is this from my garden?”

He moved quickly then, clumsily reaching out in his panic to try to take the flower from her hand. “That’s nothing!”

Her reflexes faster than his in a rare moment, she pulled away from him, bringing the flower out of his reach. “What is this?” she asked again, eyeing him with an odd combination of confusion, suspicion and amusement. “This is from my garden, isn’t it?”

She watched as he floundered for an answer, his mouth opening and closing several times, looking for some excuse, before he finally seemed to deflate. “You were mad at me.”

“What?”

“It was after the thing with Tiberius. You were mad at me for what I said and for getting him drunk. You were  _really_  mad. You didn’t even want me talking to you. You didn’t want me near you. And I deserved that. I just… I wanted something so that I could still feel close to you.”

“Vax,” she breathed out, watching as a blush crept across his cheeks. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize-“

“No,” he said quickly, cutting her off. “No, you were right to be angry. What I did was stupid. I deserved it.”

He looked so bashful and embarrassed, like a little kid who had been caught doing something wrong. Like she was going to be angry with him, or like she would think he was pathetic.

The only thing Keyleth was thinking in that moment was  _I love you I love you I love you_.

She wanted to say it. It felt like the words were bubbling up in her chest, trying to push their way out of her mouth. But she knew she couldn’t. It wasn’t the right time. There still weren’t any answers to their problems, and she was still trying to work her way through everything. Saying it now would be selfish.

Instead, she leaned in, pressing a long, lingering kiss to the corner of his mouth. Vax looked at her, stunned, as she pulled back, and she smiled softly at him, placing the dead, dried out flower on her lap. Meeting his eyes once more, she smiled again, and then druid-crafted a new, bright yellow flower. Vax smiled back at her, his eyes crinkling at the corners, as she handed him the flower. Their fingers brushed as he took it from her, and the familiar tingles that passed through her skin every time it touched his ran through her hands, up her arms, and straight to her stomach as she watched him bring the flower up to his nose.

“Thank you,” he said in his soft, private voice that she felt he reserved just for her.

“I’m going to keep this one,” she said, picking up the discarded, dried out flower form her lap. “It reminds me of home.” Her garden back at the Keep came to her mind, the placement of every flower, each place the sun hit as it came up in the morning, and she held the flower to her chest, close to her heart.

Vax smiled at her again as he pulled her back into his chest, pressing a kiss to her forehead.

Keyleth didn’t feel any less lost than she had when she’d wandered out of the tent by herself earlier in the night. But being held by Vax as they sat together, watching the sun rise, she finally found herself feeling something she hadn’t in a very long time – hope.


End file.
